I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
