So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
