thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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