is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
