I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
