eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
