Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
