you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
