hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
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I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
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I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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