I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
