you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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