I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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