Your dad touched me again.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
