I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
