Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
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