my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
