were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
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That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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