I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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