the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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