She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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