Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
