there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize