i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
