That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
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She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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