haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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