guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
