im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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