They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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