Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
