Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
