Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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