just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
