I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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