I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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