Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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