If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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