help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
