I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
