Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm passing your future prison.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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