I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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