I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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