I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
