i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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