Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
