i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
