This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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