I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
