I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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