First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
