mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
