the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
