i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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