Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
