I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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