I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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