it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
