all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
